Pregnancy After Loss

In the beginning, it didn’t feel real.  I didn’t feel like I could celebrate.  I anticipated the first ultrasound and even after things looked good, I was still unsettled. The second ultrasound came and went, I saw the strong little heartbeat and our baby moving around.. that helped a ton.  I felt ready to share the news.  

Now, at 16 weeks I’m feeling the anxiety creep in again.  I’m waiting hopeful for the first little kicks to reassure me everything’s okay, but I’ve also had a couple of pretty terrible nightmares about loss.  I couldn’t go to my 16 week appointment because of Covid reasons, and now I won’t go back in until 20 weeks.

After experiencing loss, it’s hard not to fear what could happen.  I’ve been carrying a mixed basket of emotions, overjoyed but also anxious.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so excited and hopeful for our sweet babe and I totally trust God’s plan… it’s just hard, and hard to explain.  

I look at my toddler and see what a miracle he is.  I still can’t believe how uneventful my pregnancy with him was and how carefree I felt.  Now, it seems like every little milestone, and every opportunity to hear that little heartbeat means so much more.